8/15: Stripping May Not Be A Good Idea

Tonight, Deborah and I went on several adventures.  We visited the bank, had some ice cream, visited the Ypsi Heritage Fest and most importantly, applied to become a stripper.

What?!

Okay, so I've talked about dancing for a while now.  I think it is a pretty interesting profession and I've heard you can earn quite a few ducats.  I'm also quite shy about my body so it seems like a great way to get over myself, conquer a fear, blah blah blah.

Well, the idea is much more appealing than the reality.

On our way through Dearborn to catch a couple of Drive-In flicks, we happened across a little strip club very tastefully named "Chicks on Dix." (the name of the street, of course)

I originally just wanted a photo of the sign because I thought it was so vulgarly hilarious.  But wait, oh wait, there was another sign for "Dancers Wanted."

We made our way to the door, I said I wanted to apply to be a dancer, the doormen let me in to talk to the manager.  He interviewed me on the spot!  What the f**k?!  I totally don't look like the "dancin" type, but I guess I did have on a cute little dress outfit that made my chest look a little bit bigger than reality.  We sat at a table where the kind gentleman began to ask me some questions.

"What do you do?" I'm a chef

"Where do you live?" About 45 minutes away

"Have you ever danced before?" No

"Any dancing lessons?" No

"Why do you want to dance?" I've always thought it seemed like fun and I could use the extra money

"No tap, ballet?" No, is that a problem?

"No, not at all."

What?!  Not a problem that I have no dancing experience and quite frankly cannot for the life of me do the marimba to the left?  People have laughed as I tried, it is impossible.

So, it really seemed like this guy was interested.  My thought process became: how the hell do I get out of this one?  

Finally, my loophole presented itself before an audition could take place.  He needed someone at least 4 nights a week and I could only promise to commit to 1 with my busy work schedule.  We shook hands and he graciously took me to the door.  I asked if I could take the application with me, just in case, and he told me no.

So much for my stripping career.

8/8: Graham Crackers & Cheesecakes

I practice cooking different things quite often.  I'll get in a mood where I only do sauces, then I'll get more specific and only do tomato sauces, white sauces, etc.  Lately, my mood has been working w/ creams and more specifically desserts.

I am obsessing over making an amazing cheese cake.

Today, I decided to make a regular old graham cracker crust cheese cake.  I started on the crust and realized that I love crumbling graham crackers.  It feels freeing to completely destroy them and mush them in the bottom of a pie pan.

I found that I started just crumbling them for fun.

Do you need some graham cracker dust?  I have a lot and you can have it for free.  Cheesecake not included.

8/2: Lindsey Lohan is Gay?!

Fabulous news!  I am once again behind, but this time I am filled w/ the glee of learning some exciting new news.  I spent most of the morning online researching this new found information and am happy.  So very happy.

She's in love w/ a girl.  Kissing a girl.  Living w/ a girl.  Girl Girl Girl.

And Sam Ronson seems pretty fucking killer.

Good job Lindsey.  Good job Sam.  Good job genetics.

Why do I care?  Well, first off:  Love when celebrities come out.  Makes them seem a bit more real.  Second: crushing on Ms. Lohan since Mean Girls.  3rd: Like Lindsey so much I've watched "I Know Who Killed Me"  three times.

Awesome ladies.  Simply awesome.

8/1: Car Tires

I changed a car tire today!  

That may not seem like much, but honestly, have you done it?  I mean, without help or AAA?

The caravan took a nail last week and I have been hesitant to change the tire myself.  Last time I tried to change a tire, I had to jump up and down on the nut thingy (see my expertise?) to loosen the bolts.  Needless to say, I did not fair well and had to get some professional help.

Today, I decided to take on the challenge without help.  I know someone would have been willing to change it for me.  I just didn't want to pay.  I also wanted to overcome the fear of being "just a girl" who should stick to "girly things."

Side note, what the fuck does that mean?  I've had several guy friends throughout my life offer to do "guy things" for me.  Pound in nails, break tree branches, change oil, etc. etc.  I know I'm a chick and not very big, but I've done my share of roughneck stuff.  I know that all this comes from a place of love, but seriously, when did being a chick limit my ability to use a screw driver or mow a lawn?

Anyway, it did take about three hours and yes, I had to use my full body weight to create enough leverage to pry the bolts off, but I did it!

I did it!  

Even better, my spare is a full size tire so I can be lazy and take forever to get the other one repaired.

Not bad for a chick.  Though, I was not a fan of all the dirt.  Eewwwwy, dirt.

7/30: George Carlin Died?

Where have I been?  George Carlin died?  I did not know about this.  Did someone tell me?  

Man, I am so out of touch with the world. 

I forgot it was July.

I thought George Carlin was sweet.  RIP George Carlin.

7/29: Lame, Lame, Lame

I don't know about you, but I work for one of those departments that believes the key to employee morale is through donut carts and kudos candy bars.

I'm not trying to bitch, but some days it can get you down.  I'm not saying I don't enjoy donuts, as evidenced by last blog.  I, in fact, love donuts, I'm just saying donuts are great but so are other things.

We had a team building exercise for our planning and guiding team retreat today.  Okay, first off: planning and guiding team retreat?  Doesn't that sound like a regular old hoot nanny.  Not only did I have to stop my work day to do this, but it gets the name retreat?  The word retreat has "treat" in it.  When I think of treat, I think of a massage or a great piece of chocolate, not a 3 hour escapade into the team building of a work group.

Not everything about this day was terrible.  Overall, I did enjoy the time spent with my colleagues and gained a fresh perspective on our team's importance to the department as a whole.

But....not a fan of team building exercises like pretending to be a working machine with your peers in front of a bunch of people who already don't take you seriously and some of whom you wouldn't wave hello to on the street let along spend your afternoon with.

This may be fun for others, others that may not spend weekends going to fantastic concerts or exploring their local communities free oddball offerings.  These others are not me.  

Our machine was not cool, we only had three people and I was totally embarrassed.

I am a whiny little bitch sometimes.  Ego hurt, pride falls, etc. etc.

I learned that I need to work on this.  Just maybe not as a vending machine.

7/27: Best Dessert Ever

I ate the best dessert of my entire life today.

Zingerman's Roadhouse Donut Caramel Dessert thingy is amazing.  I actually felt what it was like to have a perfect moment.

Eat it now!

7/26: Sweet Movies Made Sweeter

I am a movie junkie.  I will sit at home, watch 6 - 8 movies in a row and do it all over again the next day.  What can I say, unreality makes me happy.

You know what makes movies sweeter?  Seeing them in IMax HD with 6.1 surround sound.  Thank you movie theater.

Today, I saw the sweetest movie I've seen in a long time: Batman.  If you have not seen this latest installment, let me just say that I do not know what is wrong with you.  This movie is hands down amazing made even better by stadium seating, giant HD action.

Technology is amazing!  Thank you technology wizards.

7/25: Headphones, What?

Did you know that it is illegal to wear headphones when driving a scooter/motorcycle?

I did not and had been jammin' to my ipod for some time while driving the little bike around.

Then, my brother-in-law set me straight.

I will say that I understand this law, but believe some exceptions should be made.

If a cop was ever in the car with me, they would realize that the volume of my ipod while driving the scooter in no way compares to the Niagara Falls volume of my car stereo system while booming down the freeway.  I cannot even hear myself breath in my car, let alone other traffic or emergency vehicles.  On my scooter, however, I am much more conscious of the volume button and make sure that I can still be alert to everything around me.  I can even hear crickets on a dusk-enveloped back road.

Please, help me.  I'd love to get a special waiver to continue to wear headphones while biking.  I'm special right?  Come on, I deserve to have special laws just for me.  He he.

Anyway, I'll follow the rules, though I don't like 'em.  I'll play the adult on this one.

But I won't like it.

7/23: Trust Your Hairstylist

I'm not sure how many of you have a dedicated hairstyling agent.  I do, and she is awesome.

I had stopped seeing her for sometime due to a lack of hair funding, but decided to reinstate our financial/styling relationship.

Thank high heavens.

My hair is great!  I'm not even saying that in some sort of ego-maniacal look at me, look at the amazing hair sort of way.  I'm just saying that if you took my hair off my head and put it in a museum, people would stop and stare.

This woman is an artist.

I will not tell you her name, however, due to my desire to continue to keep this amazing hair to myself.

I don't trust easily, but she has done it.

I trust my hairstylist.  At least with my hair.

7/22: Crazy Comes To Dinner

I have spoken in the past about a relationship that has been extremely tumultuous for me.  We have gone back and forth with one another several times, good and bad, with the same results.

The Einstein definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Yup, that sums this up.

So, after not having much communication, I invited this person to dinner.

For clarification, she/he is very important to me.  We have an amazing connection and have supported one another through several life altering events.  On my end, this has included my father's heart attack, my struggle with sobriety and eventual rehab.

Menu: Salad of Avocado, toasted Walnuts and Goat Cheese w/ a Shallot-Balsamic Vinaigrette, Chilean Sea-Bass on Wilted Spinach, Golden Beet Puree and Roasted Balsamic Grape Tomatoes, Roasted Stone Fruits w/ Toasted Almonds and Cannoli Cream.

Everything started off okay, or at least in the first 15 minutes.  Then, BAM!, crazy ensued.

My cell phone rang, w/ my friend's number blaring at me.  How could she/he be calling me?  Good question, since we were standing in my kitchen talking at the time.  I answered and a voice asked for her/him.  I gave them the phone, knowing who it was, and thought, "fuck, here it goes."

So it turns out the caller threatened to hang him/herself from a tree in my friend's backyard if they didn't leave my house and come home immediately.

Dinner was tough after that.  

Needless to say, the evening was fucking insane.  Dinner exploded into an argument.  I spent the next several hours sitting with this person as they had a complete mental breakdown in my living room.  Then, after everything seemed alright, she/he freaked out and left.

What the hell is that all about?

Moral?  If you let crazy in, don't be surprised if it ends up at your table.  

Man, we didn't even have dessert and I made fucking Sea Bass.

7/18: 2nd Annual Chef Garden Summit

Woo Hoo!  I was so excited.  The Chef Garden Summit at the Chef Garden in Ohio happened again.  A day of talking all things food, specifically vegetables.

I am a bit of a foodie.  Okay, not a bit, but a foodie to the core.  I live and breath food (though not literally as that would be dangerous) and the Chef Garden Summit gives a food nerd like myself the opportunity to be around other food nerds for 10 hours straight, discussing techniques, varieties and anything else that has to do with food.

We also get an opportunity to eat some of the most amazing creations that the best chefs in the nation take the time to unravel.  

Today, I had the best bacon I've ever tasted, served to me by none other than Lee Ann Wong of Top Chef fame (more importantly, of the French Culinary Institute).  I met the Midwest's James Beard winner (the Oscars of food) and drove through a colony of honeybees being resurrected by the Chefs Garden team.

I am so grateful to have the opportunity to see that people are still making a difference.  The Chefs Garden is a sustainable farm, replete with all the modern (and pre-modern) technologies necessary to bring real food back to the table without destroying our environment.  These guys are passionate about what they do and it shows in their clientele, from Emeril to Bobby Flay to Keller to Gordon Ramsey.  What an amazing thing!

Check out their website http://www.chefs-garden.com/  Unfortunately, only chefs may buy their products, but totally find a restaurant that uses their out of this world products.

Also, if you get a chance, taste a cucamelon.  

7/15: Bosses are Right?!

So, the day after my strawberry debacle, I was ready to return to my work.  A bit embarrassed, but on full cylinders.

My boss, Keith, called early in the morning.

"Are you okay?"  

"Yeah, just really tired, but I'll be in in a little bit."

"I want you to take the day off and rest."

"I'll be fine, just tired."

I did not admit that my right leg (the site of the epishot) felt as though I had been kicked by an elephant.

Well, he's my boss.  So, I listened.

In the end, it was a good idea.  When I went to take a shower, I was so exhausted that I needed to sit down in the tub several times to rest.

Man, who knew having a life-threatening event could be so exhausting?  Oh, you did?  Well, I'm not that sharp.

Thankfully, I listened to my boss.  I think it is the first time ever that a boss has told me to stay home.  

Thanks Keith.

7/14: Strawberries Bad, Epipen Good (But Scary)

I ended my evening exhausted.  I just spent the last 3 - 4 hours in the hallway of the University of Michigan Hospital emergency room.  Robin generously offered to give me a ride home, seeing that my scooter was left in the back of the cafe.  I was to find out later that it had actually been placed in the middle of the kitchen, right in front of the slicer.  Certainly a health code violation.

My day began as any typical Monday: woke, showered, ate, drove, worked, ate, emailed, meeting. 

But this day became different, very different.

Every year, Ann Arbor engages in this little "art fair" business.  For four days, the entire landscape of our fair city is littered with artists' tents, expensive items welded to sticks, fried fair foods and thousands upon thousands of tourists.  It changes the flow of traffic, the parking situation and work.

To kick off this extravaganza, there is a "townie party."  For the first time, this party was held in the Ingalls Mall area, directly in front of the building I work in.  This bit of information will come into play later on, so hold on to it.

Lisa, Robin and I decided to head down to the event.  I road my scooter and met Lisa at the fountain in the Mall.  We walked around a bit, looking at various odds and ends, listened to a brief spatter of music and decided to get a bite to eat.

After dinner, Lisa glimpsed Robin and we all decided to hit the party for a little bit longer.  We decided to move to the VIP section (that's right, we be VIPs).  I bumped in to a couple of great people that I don't see often (great to see you, Kevin and Shauna) and spoke for a bit.  Robin invited us to check out the tent for a local gourmet chocolate shop.  She was stopped by a couple of friends, so Lisa and I headed over. 

Before us lie a beautiful chocolate fountain with pretzel sticks, marshmallows and strawberries decoratively strewn around it.  Next to all of this, was a chocolate cake.  Hmmm...cake.  I love cake.  The chef offered each of us a piece and, of course, we thankfully indulged.  Nothing like a great piece of cake after a nice dinner with a friend.

But, this cake was different.  Much different.  Lisa looked at me and asked, "is that liquor I'm tasting?"  I was also mystified at the strange flavors erupting across my tongue.  I took another bite, this time into some sort of fruit puree.  I paused, not recognizing the taste, and then looked at the cake maker (or in this case, perpetrator).  "Is this strawberry?" I asked, my eyes widening.

She gleefully answered, "oh, yes, yes it is."

Oh, shit.

If you don't know me well, let me deal you in to a bit of personal information about me:

I am allergic to strawberries.  Not just scratchy, a little rash, allergic.  Full fledged throat closing, tongue swelling, breathing stopping allergic.

The reality of the moment hit me within seconds.  Lisa looked at me, I took off.  "Oh, shit.  I gotta go."

I ran into work, right past the EMT station set up in front of our building.  Didn't even notice these wonderful people.

My first thought was, "I can down a bottle of benedryl and hopefully be okay."  I really believed that I had a bottle in the first aid kit in my desk.  See, I keep a first aid kit around because of my 30 employees who don't have a lot of knife skills, who I deem fit to wield the tools of destruction on a daily basis.

No benedryl.  But, I found an Epipen.  

By this time, I was feeling the full effects of my strawberry invasion.  My breathing was bad, my face was itchy, and my throat felt like the opening of coffee stirrer trying to sip through a milkshake.  Really not good.

I looked at Lisa, "can you stab me with this? I don't think I can do it."

She looked at me in horror.

Luckily for us, Steve was in the space and asked what we were doing.  

"Can you stab me with this?"  

"Well, I have horses."

If you don't know anything about epipens, they are these long tubes filled with pure adrenaline.  Hiding inside is a giant needle that gets stabbed directly into the thigh.  Push the button as you stab the leg and the needle injects life saving energy juice into the bloodstream.

I poised for the shot.  Okay, so I was terrified.  I had only once before received an epishot and frankly, wasn't conscious during the escapade.  The thought of being stabbed with an 1 1/2 inch needle did not seem like a great idea, but I really didn't know what else to do.

Steve administered the shot.  Wow, that shit is amazing!  Within seconds I felt like I could climb Mt. Everest without supplemental oxygen.  I was still itchy, but alive.

Enter the paramedics, who were of course, outside the whole time.  We didn't even think to get their help in the first place.  Bunches of gadgets were attached to me and we were off on a little stroll to UM hospital.

So, what is the lesson in all of this?

Epipens work.  Strawberries are bad.  Panic is not a good asset.  Look around for help.  Ask the chef what's in the cake.  IV benedryl is euphoric (but bad, very bad).

Who puts strawberries in chocolate cake?  What the fuck?

I'm skippin' days because I'm so behind

Why can't I just keep up.

I ask you, oh internet deities, why?  oh, why?

anyway, i'm gonna start moving forward now because if you aren't moving forward, you could be going backwards, but if you aren't moving forward or backwards you are just frozen there and frozen things start to atrophy and lose all feeling in their extremities.

We don't want that do we?

No....

7/9: Muscle Milk

Griffin drinks a lot of this stuff called Muscle Milk.  I'm not sure if you've heard of it, but it is some kind of crazy new protein/meal/body building gunk that you swig down to feel healthy.

Okay, so I tried one.  He raves about them and he's thin and in good shape (apparently, I mean I've never seen him naked, not that I remember), so I thought, "Well Jess, let's give it a whirl (and I actually believe I did speak to myself like that and probably did it aloud (what does that tell ya? (crazy))).

Man, it is true that healthy is gross.  Only a slimfast shake is worse and those I drank a lot until the doctor suggested I quit because they were messing up my electrolyte balance.  These things are not milk.  Milk sludge, maybe.  This is the stuff that they discard when they scrape the milk and keep the good goo.  Add some vitamins and a little chocolate powder and "poof!" Bucket of nausea.  

I really need to stop eating/drinking things that are nasty.

7/8: Ooopsss.

So, I skipped 7/6.  I'm sure I learned something but I can't go back.  The future is the only frontier worth exploring (and you may quote me on that).  So today, I learned I skipped 7/6.

So Sorry.

7/7: Myspace

Okay, so the allure has finally left me.  I am no longer really interested in myspace.  I will keep my profile up, but man, it is so dull now.  No one really talks, there is a bunch of advertising garbage and it takes forever to load no matter where you're at.

I'm not interested.  You can't make me be.

7/5: My Favorite Word

Someone once told me that a sign of immaturity is cursing.

Someone also told me that it is a sign of a poor vocabulary.

Well, I'd like to think of myself as neither of those things and feel confident that I would admit it if I was.  I have a splendiferous grasp of the the English language.  I have also been told that I am extremely mature for my age (though, it may be immature to use that as an example of my maturity).  

That being said, I love to swear, curse, blaspheme, you name it, I love it.

I learned today that my favorite word is "fuck."

This is one of those posts that the parental content control is for.

I love "fuck!"  It is the most useful word in all of modern language.  It is a verb, noun, adjective and adverb depending on usage.  It also has the unique ability to describe anger, excitement, sadness, happiness and fright.

What other word is so cool?  Okay, so I have words that I also like a great deal: penguin, obsequious, lamppost.  But these I cannot use so much, I mean how often do you get to slip penguin into the conversation.

So I love "fuck."  And I'm going to keep using it.  I am apologizing now for the fact that I will not apologize later for using it.  And I'm gonna use it.

7/4: Whitmore Lake July 4th

I currently live in Whitmore Lake.  Whitmore Lake is an interesting little community.  We have Polly's Market with over priced out of date product.  It also contains the largest beer, potato chip and ice cream selection of any store that is the size of my house.  We also have the Bobber Down and the Family Video.  This Family Video also happens to contain the largest collection of barely legal porn of any Family Video I have ever seen. (Yes, I know, Family Video has porn?  What?! (I hear this "What?!" as Christy's sarcastic "What?!" in my head) Family Video is apparently for every member of the family whether it be a small child into princess movies or a hormonal teenage boy (or middle aged man) into almost pedophile fantasies.)

I come from a small town in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan.  This small town is quaint, not unlike Whitmore Lake (if you can call this quaint).  We have several Bobber Down type bars.  We do not have a porn video store.  Our stores are also a bit more proportional in their nutrition vs. bad carb varieties.

Whitmore Lake also really enjoys Fourth of July.  I mean, really enjoys Fourth of July.  Fourth of July started here about two weeks ago with a barrage of fire crackers and M80s being blasted in neighbor's lawns.  The drinking began a couple of days ago.  A lot of drinking. Drinking beyond my capabilities for drinking (and if you knew my former self, that was a lot of capability).

I have never experienced such a frightening display of indulgence and trash.  The cursing, the screaming, the explosions, the beer cans.

I learned today that I do not want to live here forever.  Or any place like it.

No offense to the people here, seems like your thing.  Just not mine.

7/3: Payday Thursdays!

I love payday, as most people probably do.  Today, however, was a great day not only because it was payday on a Thursday but also the start of a 3 day weekend on account of the July 4th holiday.

Woo hoo!  Today is my favorite day for today! 

7/2: 60% Means It Will Rain

The weather is a strange thing.  We have all these fancy maps with strange little people with odd names like "Hunter" and "Tad" telling us what will happen in the future with our weather patterns.

And I believe this stuff!

Anyway, I was getting a bit cocky about the fact that the Tads and Hunters weren't ever getting it right, so today I decided that there was no way it would rain. This is despite the fact that the report said there was a 60% chance of severe thunderstorms.  No big deal, right?

Wrong.  Everything was going very well until I came out of my regular Wednesday night meeting. It looked pretty gloomy.  Exactly as predicted.

I rode my scooter.  SCOOTER.  60 mph wind gusts, torrential downpours and a rain suit purchased from Dunham's for 30 bucks.

Needless to say, I learned that I am not smarter than Tad or Hunter.  That 60% means it'll rain.

I was very wet and very scared.

I also learned that I may need to invest in a better rain suit.

Just in case.

7/1: Overcommitment Anyone, Anyone?

Okay, so at my work - I'm in food - check out my other blog about food (shameless plug, oh so shameless), but I am also involved in the sustainability efforts for our division.  As such, I need to do my normal job (remember, food, very busy, very stressful, very time consuming) and work on various projects surrounding the saving of our most precious mother, earth or gaia as some prefer. 

I have spread myself way too thin.  Meeting after meeting.  Project after project.  Sustain after sustain.  What to do dear reader, what to do?

I have learned, just for today, that I need to write a task list and accomplish those things that are the most important for my daily functioning.  This includes sleeping, eating, etc.  Then I will work on my work (I mean they pay me, right?).  Then I will work on sustaining some sort of balance.

I learned to say no today.  No, I am too busy for that meeting or this appointment.  It felt okay.

6/30: Transposing Days

Blogger has switched 6/26 and 6/27 so as 6/27 appears first.  I learned this today.  This was not intentional.  

6/29: Lazy Days

I have decided that Sundays are for nothing.

I don't mean that they aren't worth anything, in fact, they may be the most worthwhile of all.

I'm saying that Sundays are a great day for nothing.  I do not want to do anything on Sundays ever again.  

I won't shower.  I won't cook.  I certainly won't clean.  I hell no will mow the lawn.

Sundays are now for nothing!

Hooray Sunday!

6/28: Sweet Tarts

This may be silly.  Of course it is, but I just learned that I really don't like sweet tarts.  I had a sneaking suspicion that this was true, but I decided to confirm it with a small purchase.

What are all you crazy sweet tart lovers (sounds so dirty, that it could be good, but it ain't) thinking?!  They are terrible.  They hurt your mouth, make your tongue retreat into your throat and to make matters worse, the give you a quick sour headache (very similar to an ice cream headache but located towards the top of your jawline creating a quit stabbing feeling followed by numbness, seriously, next time you eat something really sour, check it out).

What a terrible invention.  I am angry at the sweet tart people.  Why Willy Wonka Why!

6/26/08: Money Problems?

Today, I learned that I am not the best with money.  No, I actually knew this but it was reconfirmed in the fact that I found a check from Edward Jones for $18.33.  I guess that this check was for some kind of class action settlement that I unwittingly became a part of.

Now, $18.33 doesn't seem like a lot of money.  But, when you are poor, it is.  Especially when you realize that the check was dated 3/20/08 and it became void 90 days after.  Today is 6/26.  I could have cashed this, but no...I forgot.  $18 could have bought me a couple of dinners at local coney islands or a lot of swedish fish.  I could have used that money.

Instead, I will save this voided check for cold weather.  I'll burn it in my fireplace to save on gas to heat the house.  That way, it will at least give me a penny of energy.  With heating costs rising, anything is better than nothing.

Right?

Cash your checks babes!  It is the right thing to do.

6/27/08: Fundamentalist Mormons

Today, I just finished the Krakauer book, "Under the Banner of Heaven." I am always a few years behind on my reading list and just about everything (please reference the previous post on perpetual tardiness).  This book is unbelievable!  I am so intrigued by this religion.

There is no evidence to support the claims of Joseph Smith, the doctrines are ludicrous and the principle, oh the principle.  It has caused so much harm for these little ol' Mormons.

This book is great and Mormons are interesting, especially the fundamentalists.  

I would tell you more but I really want you to read it.  Then realize how well "Big Love" portrays Mormonism.

At least to an outsider.

6/25: Beef Tongue and Suckling Pig

I have this other little blog I do about restaurants.  In this blog, I am eating at several places and then offering my opinion.  At times, it is extremely difficult to remain objective in the face of new ingredients or descriptions.  But I do try, honest Grandma.

I ate a Mexican restaurant that was on my list.  I ordered a bunch of food, including various tacos.

One was beef tongue.

One was suckling pig.

The pig, not so bad.  Nice seasoning, tender, young.  Everything you'd expect from eating a slaughtered for no reason baby pig.

Beef tongue.  Holy Shit!  That is one of the most unappetizing items I have ever encountered.

You know when you eat something and the minute the food hits your mouth your stomach gives you a little, "oh hell no!"? 

Well, that's what beef tongue did to me.  Automatic nausea.

Nasty stuff.  I didn't finish.

6/24: Being Nice and Verbose Can Be Bad

We had our annual picnic/get together for work today.  It was nice, at the local Summer Festival.  Tent, food, fun, magic.

Well, I was in quite a mood, I must say.  Rare form indeed.  I was having a grand old time when a few of my employees showed up (can you believe they trust me with employees?? 30 of 'em no less!)

Anyway, my employee-friends and I were sitting at a little table, enjoying some fresh fruit and sandwiches when I saw some guy come into the tent.  I yelled, "hey man, how's it going?!"  Of course, I had no idea who this person was, until he came about 5 feet closer.

I then thought, "oh shit."

Needless to say, this gentleman worked in our building in a different department a short age ago and was quite fond of me.  And quite strange in his affections towards various women and rice krispy treats.  

He, of course, sat down.  Awkward indeed.  He stared at me a bit.  I said hello, he asked how he knew me, I explained.  He then asked me to take off my hat.  Big no no for the Jessinator.  I had hat head and said no, somewhat politely.  He also asked me to take off my sunglasses.  No again.

He then asked who I was sitting with.  I introduced these employee-friends as "my minions" (I've been known to do so from time to time and they seem to enjoy it.  No seriously, a couple said they did).

Anywho, he slowly looked me up and down.  Stopping at my breast region, responded with a "I wish I could be your minion."

Shit man!  What the hell was that.

My response, "Thanks, that was inappropriate, but kind."  With a gentle arm nudge away.

His response, "Why?"

My response, "Nice seeing you again, man.  Take care."  Another gentle but more to the point arm nudge away.

My minions had no idea what to do.

Brian's response, "What the hell was that?"

Marlee's response, laughter.

Sean's response, laughter with a tinge of irritation and embarrassment.

Needless to say, what I took away was this:

Make sure to really look at the person before you are verbosely nice.  It will save you from breast stares and sexual harassment shots.

6/23: I'm Late, I'm Late For A Very Important....

I am always late.  Damn, man.  Always late.  I was once again very late today.  Someone helped make me late, but I won't mention names.

It is embarrassing to be late, I realized today.  I used to not care so much as I didn't care much about much.  But today, I cared.

A new leaf?  Perhaps, but it is still in the budding phase.

6/22: Benedryl and Allergies

The only reason benedryl works is because it makes you pass out.

Which is what I did for several hours.

I have very bad allergies: stingy, watery eyeballs, scratchy throat, cough, sneezes (so many sneezes, too little tissue), itchy skin.

I take several prescription medicines for these symptoms - alas, to know avail it seems.  So, some days I need to take something else.

One benedryl did nothing.  Two benedryl did nothing.  No, that's not true.  I passed out for several hours, missing out on the day.

At least I don't know that my nose is running, except I see my pillow.

No more benedryl.

6/21: Ham Sandwich

I did not eat meat for several years.  What got me back in carnivore land?  Bacon!  Mmmm bacon.  Now, today, I discovered ham steak! MMMMM HAM STEAK!!!  Good ness gra cious.  Salty goodness, even better broiled and eaten alongside homemade mac n cheese.

Ham Steak.

6/20: Blogging about Learning

It is very difficult to keep up with a blog about learning something new everyday.

I thought this might be true, but it is confirmed.

Enough Said.

6/19: Cat Vomit

I have two cats: Caesar and Caspar.  They are awesome, except when they puke.  After 8 years or more of living with them, I still get queasy when they throw up.  Not from the throwing up, but actually from the cleaning up.  Why!  Why!  Why! 

Anyway, I learned today that it does not work to breath through my mouth to avoid the smell.  The smell of cat vomit is so overwhelming that I can actually taste it that way.  Much better to smell it than to taste it.

Nasty.

6/18: History Lessons

I learned several interesting facts today about today in history.  Sometimes when just surfing the net, I check out the interesting things that happened for the day.

For example, today:

Philip Barry, dramatist, who wrote "The Philadelphia Story," was born in 1896.

Isabella Rossellini ("Blue Velvet") was born in 1952

Roger Ebert was born in 1942

The U.S. declared war on Britain to begin the battle of 1812

Napolean was defeated in the Battle of Waterloo

Wow!  That is a lot to learn and there was a lot more, but I forgot it.

6/17: Meetings, Meetings, Meetings!

Some meetings are good.  I go to those a few times a week.  Some meetings are okay, I show up to those.  Some meetings are just bad business.  Bad bad business.  I learned a new technique for bad meetings.  I listen intently, almost too extremely and stare deeply at the person speaking as though I am hanging off every honey word that drips from their mouth.  This is, of course, regardless of whether or not anything they say is intelligent or even intelligible.  This makes the speaker wary and then increases my enjoyment of our time spent together.

Now, I know that this is probably not very nice and I promise I will work on it.  But today, just for today, it worked rather well and made said meeting much more tolerable.

At least for me.

6/16: Serenity

I felt it today; for one brief moment I encountered complete peace.  It lasted about .45 seconds but it was there.

What I learned:  I have to be still to feel it.

How introspective am I?

6/15: Magazine Subscriptions

I currently own two magazine subscriptions: Spin Magazine and Smithsonian.  I have been receiving Spin for a couple of year; it is cheap, informative and has a lot of music reviews.  I like that.  I've been getting Smithsonian for at least 4 years.  What a great mag!  So many pages of useless, interesting and colorful information.

Okay, so I love these magazines, but I can't keep up.  Today I realized that it is pointless to try to stay current in anything: fashion, news, music, trends and especially magazines.  It changes constantly and when you finally get it down (or finish the last page) you've already got two more sitting on the shelf that are out of style.

I'm not saying that I will give up my magazines, I'm just saying that I learned today that I am okay with being several months behind.

It's also great because I can then cut up a bunch for collage work at a time.

6/14: Pez

Today I bought a Pez dispenser.  It is Winnie the Pooh.  Though I am not a Winnie the Pooh fan, I do not dislike Winnie the Pooh and enjoy the thought of taking little tiny candies from the bottom of his head.  

Pez are not very tasty and they are very hard.  Very hard.  Tooth breaking hard.  They taste a bit like children's cough medicine in the 80's, before all the fancy technology made it yummy.

The only good thing about Pez are the dispensers.  I like tiny head things with big boxes attached.

6/13: Miniature Ben & Jerry's

Oh how marvelous!  Ben @ Jerry's have come out with a line of miniature ice cream tubs!  They are these tiny little 3.6 ounce miracles with their own plastic spoons in the lid.  Cookie Dough, Cherry Garcia!  Oh joy oh joy oh joy.  Just my size!

6/12: Ant Killer

I am an ant killer. My friend/landlord (well, I don't pay rent really) bought some ant powder because there has been a serious ant issue around the exterior of the house recently. I noticed a couple of the little suckers sneaking in and said, "oh hell no!"

This ant powder is a killer! Everything in its path was decimated in seconds: spiders, june bugs, ants, crickets, mosquitos. Holy Cows!

I actually feel bad now. I mean, don't the little ants deserve their own habitat? Isn't the outside theirs? To them, I'm just some giant monster with dust coming out of my limbs. There is no longer an ant problem, though.

At least I have that.

6/11: The Shining

Today I learned that it is a bad idea to watch "The Shining" by myself very late at night alone. I had to keep turning it off. I got so scared inside. So scared. Creapy-crawlies and all.

I eventually turned it off. Unfortunately, it was the last day for it on On-Demand Free Movies, so I'll have to wait quite a while to see the rest.

In the middle of the day w/ a friend.

6/10: Orange Juice and Milk

Delicious combination. That's all I can say. Try it. Check it out. Love it.

6/9: Polaroid Cameras

I've had a recent itch to purchase an old style polaroid camera.  

They don't make them anymore?!  WTF?  The polaroid website has digital cameras?  instant digital cameras?  where is my beloved instant print?  the one where its like a magic surprise that you shake and shimmy a little and bang!: your image in all its rudimentary glory.

I am sad.  I haven't been this sad since i realized that they cancelled dark shadows.

at least there's ebay.

6/8: Energy Drinks

Oh...delicious sweetness.  Why must you be so powerful?!  Why!  

Okay, so I am powerless over my energy drink consumption.  They make me happy, they make me sweat and my heart skips little caffeine beats.  I drag without them; hype up crash down with them.

And so many varieties.  I learned today about a new energy drink that is crushin' my brain.

Shockwave Sugar Free (imagine deep dramatic movie voice)

mmm...yummy

6/7: Farmer Tan

The fastest way to a farmer's tan?  Make sure to always wear a t-shirt w/ extra long sleeves while sweating away in the sun.  On a really sunny, really warm day.

You will be amazed how quickly you look as though you purposefully stenciled the design of "really white girl" onto your shoulders and "really burned white girl" on your forearms.

Sounds logical right?  Sounds like something I really should have known right.  Well "knowing" and knowing are two very different things.

Please be kind when you see me next.  I'm currently using duct tape to even out my glow.

6/6: Porn

Okay, so porn is not for me.

How do I know this?  Well, I rented one from On-Demand and started watching it and was so bored and annoyed that I went into the other room to read.

Why did I rent a porn?  Good question.

The evening began by me having a nice conversation with my dear friend Lisa.  We were talking and jabbering away about this and that.  At some point, she said something that produced an unsavory image in my mind.  I laughed and said, "shit, I'm gonna have to watch porn to get that out of my head now!"

We laughed a bit about it and said our good-nights.

It got me a'thinkin' though.  "Hmmm.....porn."

Well, I'm a red-blooded American of legal age with this beautiful technology of On-Demand television programming.

I'm not sure if you have explored your On-Demand options, but there is quite an extensive library of "adult programming."

If you know me well, though, you'd know that it is not an easy task for me to select a movie, let alone "adult" movies.  I had to go through every single fucking (pardon the pun) description and weigh the options in each category.

Examples of categories: barely legal, pure sex, reality kings, wicked, etc.  I will not go into the genre of porn I chose (though it was not barely legal).

Okay, so this is expensive porn, however, so I decided that I not only needed to pick the right one, but I needed to tape it to get my money's worth.

Problems: my VCR wasn't working.  It took about 30 minutes to fix that.  1:30 am.  I had to find a tape that was blank or that had something I could tape over.  I get interested in things easily and so watched several beginnings of tapes such as the "VH1 100 Greatest Videos of All Time," tons of Tori performances (I love Tori), news from 911 (why the hell do I have that?) and random programs about religion form the History Channel.

By the time I actually fixed the VCR, found a tape and selected the perfect movie, it was 2:10 am.   I, of course, chose a longer porn (see, my money's worth).  I started that sucker and settled in.

AHHH!!! It was so freakin' terrible.  The "actors" were unattractive, they were obviously novices in their field who continued to look over at the cameraman for direction (probably also the writer and director) and I couldn't stop criticizing their every action.

"She's faking it."  "No woman would have nails that long." "Who actually does that in real life?" "Man, that is nasty!" "The fan is a stupid touch." etc. etc.

And is was the same terrible stuff for 80 minutes!

Long story short, I'm out $13.99, Charter now knows I watched a porn and I have an extremely grainy VHS copy of the event.

At least I learned I don't like porn.

6/5: Learn Something Why Don't Ya!

Today I realized that I didn't learn anything today.  Not that I didn't actually learn something or that new things didn't come my way, but that I didn't pay any attention to them.

So, I guess I learned today that I need to pay attention in order to learn something everyday.  

That's something, right?

6/4: Chicken Sandwiches

I love Burger King "Original Chicken Sandwiches."

I crave them; sometimes waking from a restful slumber thinking about them.

But I never eat them. I am against eating fast food and do not do so.

Today, I had a chicken club sandwich at Holiday's Restaurant in Ann Arbor. (Plug for Holiday's!) It was better than the BK chicken thing and it had bacon!

What a glorious sandwich.

Thank you Holiday's! Thank You!

6/3: Meat Tenderizer and Hornets

Okay, so someone actually told this to me about a week ago. I was skeptical but tried it anyway.

Making a paste out of meat tenderizer (you know, the spice stuff) and a little water gets rid of the itch of a hornet bite when applied to the bite spot.

Holy Cows!!!

What a strange thing to learn.

I love life.

6/2: Friendships and Loss

I spent a lot of time thinking on my scooter ride home today (notice the mention of scooter once again). A situation occurred, it wasn't a big dramatic blow out situation, but something that got me thinking a lot about my relationship with someone very close to me. (see blog for 5/25 for some more info).

I've made a lot of changes in the past year. These changes have been so amazing for my well-being, that I cannot even begin to list all the gratitude I have.

Some things I have not changed, including this relationship.

Today I realized that no matter how much it saddens me, no matter how much I would like things to be different - they are not.

I learned today that I must not have this person in my life any longer.

I am sorry, friend. This is sad (what a sad blog), but it is for the best - for now or forever. I hope the best for this person. I love this person and I know that this person also loves me.

I learned today that it is not enough sometimes.

I am sorry dear readers for all the sadness and personal stuff. This is my blog and some days I learn things that aren't so happy. But the next day may be.

That's what keeps us going. Hope.

6/1: Ants and Baking Soda

A friend today told me of a trick to keep ants out of your house.

I've seen a couple recently inside and do not like it one bit.

She told me to spread a thin line of baking soda in the path of the ants at various entry points. The ants will not cross the line because the baking soda sticks to their exoskeletons and slowly dehydrates them. This results in death. Ants do not want to die.

This is incredible news! No harsh chemicals, no smelly stuff. No expensive products to buy!

Wow, you really do learn something new everyday.

5/31: Scooter Again!?

I rode my scooter into town today on the back roads.

It was great! I learned I can do it! That it isn't as scary as I thought.

I didn't fall off.

I didn't tip over.

I didn't veer into traffic!

What a wonderful feeling.

Though it gets a bit cold.

I need a better jacket.

5/30: Self-Confidence & Beautiful People

We all have days were we feel less attractive.

You know, those days when you wear the big lumpy sweatshirt and a baseball cap to make yourself feel better but end up looking slouchier?

Well, I have those days as well and have been having a few lately. Pre-summer beauty crisis: I need a tan, lose a couple of pounds, dye the hair, put the contacts in, etc. etc.

Hmmm....

Don't see the Sex and the City movie if you're feeling a little less beautiful. Great movie (definitely see it if you love(d) the show. Unfortunatley, there is nothing like seeing a group of beatiful women in fabulous clothing in a beatiful sunny New York at trendy night clubs to give a blow to the ego.

I learned today that I can be vain and just plain hard on myself. I am beautiful, dammit! I gotta remember that.

5/29: Scooter Riding Revisted

I purchased a scooter today. Wonderful Yamaha Zuma!

I am stoked, but learned that it is not actually as easy to ride a scooter on the road as it is on 100 feet of empty parking lot. Turning is difficult and I need to work on stopping without putting out my feet Flintstone style.

I started out on my first ride. First, I hit a car (very slowly with no damage) as I tried to turn out of the parking lot. Second, I turned really wide onto Jackson Ave. and actually ended up on the sidewalk. I then proceeded to ride onto the sidewalk because I was terrified of the 50 mph traffic.

Oh dear.

Matt and I put the scooter in the back of my van and drove it up to my home. He practiced with me and showed me some tips.

I better get learned quick on this damn thing! I just spent a bunch of money and it won't be worth it if I don't ride it.

5/28: Peas

I had a sneaking suspicion that I didn't like peas.

I've never thought, "hmm..split pea soup sounds good."

I've never purchased peas; frozen, fresh or canned. Well, maybe once. It was a mistake and the can sat in my cabinet for close to 3 years.

I donated that can to a nonprofit (it was not yet expired). I'm sure when they serve it, the people are like, "damn, I gotta eat peas!?"

Some people really like peas. Deborah loves them: fresh.

I had peas in a restaurant today with my meal. They were the vegetable of the day. They were frozen.

They were disgusting.

Peas are gross.

5/27: Scooter Riding

I drove my very first scooter yesterday. At first, I was really scared because I don't have a lot of balance and am not extremely coordinated. This makes for a difficult combination when you get on a motorized bike. But, to my surprise it was much easier than I expected.

Why did I try out the scooter? I'm seriously considering purchasing one. I mean, they are small, easy to store and get 123 miles to the gallon! That alone is enough to make me think about it. My van currently gets 17 miles to the gallon, is not as easy to store and not small. I am not good with large vehicles. The evidence is clear when you look at all the bumps and bruises on my van.

Thanks Sander for letting me try out your sweet rides!

I also learned that though a helmet is not required, it helps with two things:

1. My head got really cold
2. My eyes began watering like faucets at about 25 mph.

Oh yeah, it's also a lot safer.

I didn't skid out once, didn't drop the bike and even went out onto the open road. Wind flying through my hair, eyes watering, knuckles chapping from the cold. It was fresh. Even if I did top out at a mere 40 mph.

Oh scooter...how I love you so!

5/26: Need for Caffeine

I already knew that I was addicted to caffeine, but not this much.

I didn't drink any caffeine today, resulting in the inability to do anything productive until much later that night. I laid around, slept and watched t.v.

I set my coffee pot up to brew at 6:41 am for the next morning. This way I will be sure to wake up sooner than later.

5/25: Letting Go

I'm beginning to learn to let go of a relationship. This relationship has been difficult for me for quite some time. I wish I did not have to let go of it, but it appears to be the only option for my progress (and possibly their's).

Today, I realized I had started letting go. It occured when the individual did not show up as expected. It did not upset me. It used to, but not today. I realized this and thought, "hmmm..this is new, I don't actually care so much any more."

I also realized that I was actually more glad to not have connected with the person than I would have been if I did.

It finally clicked that I cannot control them; that I cannot will them to be the person that I want; that though I would love to have the relationship I want, I will not.

It's a little sad, but that's apart of the process, I think.

5/24: Yard Work

Today I learned that I enjoy doing yard work.

In addition to this, I also learned I am not allergic to hornet stings. I now have several bites on my arms because of doing yard work.

They don't itch to badly and there is virtually no swelling.

Not enough to deter me from yard work.

P.S. Please remind me of this post if I begin complaining about doing yard work.

5/23: How Rude?!

I learned today that I can be incredibly rude and impatient.

It is terrible.

I called a vendor to confirm that the cafe would not need a delivery on Memorial Day. Here is our conversation:

"Hello, E____." (imagine here a very old lady)

"Hi this is Jess from B_______ C____ about my Monday order."

"What?"

click...I hung up.

Man, that was fucking rude of me. In my defense, I've had a terrible headache all day, been very behind because I didn't work yesterday and am not good with old people. Though none of this is a good excuse.

I have got to work on this.

5/22: MTVU

I love music and with that also love music videos. Videos are unfortunately becoming increasingly difficult to watch on the telly (which I prefer over a computer monitor), however, and have often found myself frustrated by my lack of video dosing on a rainy quiet day at home. MTV is all reality show, VH1 is all reality shows with celebrities (some people adore this fact and I do not begrudge them), BET is all talking and the same video run over and over. MTV2 now broadcasts shows. VH1Classic often shows rock movies (don't get me wrong, love the rock movies, but I'm looking for videos) and MTV3 is in Spanish (I don't speak Spanish despite 4 years of Spanish class). Fuse started playing "Pants Off Dance Off" non-stop and even On-Demand has had the same videos for at least 4 months (believe me, I've watched them all, even the Spanish language ballad ones).

But I learned today about a new kid on MTV's block: MTVU. It's a station targeted to the college age music fan which, though I've been out of college for several years, still fit right into. A blend of hip hop, indie, soul and rough rock, this channel is just what I've been looking for to cure my video blues. Sure, I have to sit through a commercial after every video, but I can get up to pee or take a nibble of pickle at that time. I may even use those moments to do laundry or crunches.

Thanks MTVU!

5/21: Calendars and Appointments

Today, I learned that no matter how good I think my memory is, it is not as good as I think it is. This is especially true in regards to upcoming meetings, events and appointments.

I was really excited yesterday to invite a few chaps over to my home on Saturday night for a dinner party. I called all of them, informed them of my plan and began brainstorming different styles of cuisine to prepare. I even made a mental note of all the areas of the house I would need to spiffy up.

This morning, I was jarred out of bed at 5:51 am by the frightening thought:

"I already have plans on Saturday night."

I received an email about the above plans on 5/6/08. I saved the email and recorded the event in my "mental calendar." I forgot completely about my "mental calendar" until this morning.

This may not seem big, but it is to me. It means that I have not only learned today that I must write everything down on my home calendar to keep things straight, but that I am also getting old. My memory is fading. Soon, I will have to program all my appointments, activities and meetings not only on the cute Humane Society calendar hanging on my fridge, but also on my Outlook and phone calendars. I may even need to get a day planner in case I forget to pay attention to my Outlook, phone, Humane Society and Desk calendars.

Alas.....what's next?

5/20/08: Showers and Fans

I recently moved into a new home. It's a sweet deal. I don't have to pay rent; just pay for utilities, mow the lawn (my choice) and keep it clean. The only drawback is that the house is for sale, so if someone wants to view it I have to make it shiny and get out for several hours. The other drawback is that it will eventually sell and I will be back in a dirty shoebox.

Today I learned that I have to turn on the bathroom fan before showering. If the fan is not on, the steam from my very hot shower will set off the fire alarm in the hall above the bedroom door. It is an obnoxious beeping that frightens the cats and me as well, sending them running haphazardly through the house and me jumping out of the shower (dripping wet) to find out what all the raucous is about.

You learn somethin' new everyday.